Don’t get me wrong here, 2016 has been wonderful so far. Like, really wonderful. I’m happy, I’m healthy and although it may not always feel as such, I’ve achieved quite a bit in the past few months. Taking a gap year really was the best decision I could have made considering the leaps and bounds I’ve taken in knowing who I am and what I want. I’ve learned so many things, met such incredibly interesting people, explored my own interests and for the first time in a while, actually felt relaxed. Ah yes, relaxed. This is where the problem lies.
I’m tired of relaxing. The fact that I have nothing to stress about is stressing me out. I’m somehow feeling overwhelmed and underwhelmed all at once and not understanding my own feelings is making stuff even harder. Everything aside from life itself seems to be happening so slowly and I have absolutely no idea where to even start changing it.
Ridiculous perhaps, but hear me out. After a year like 2015, where sitting around and doing nothing wasn’t on the agenda too often, this break was all too welcome for me at first. I have something to get up for in the mornings, but by 1PM my time is all my own. Living life like this is incredible, yes, but not for longer than a few months. Maybe I’m speaking for myself alone, but there’s really only so much reading and doodling one can do before it all starts feeling a bit mundane.
I’m not intending to sound ungrateful here. Like I said, I’ve loved this year so far and I’m still enjoying it. I think it all comes down to the fact that I am bored. I miss being busy and being pressured and learning and studying and researching all day. I’m longing to be challenged. The only challenges I’m currently facing are learning how to drive and finding a job, both of which are proving wildly unsuccessful and thereby not helping much. Taking these steps are, I know, the first and biggest ones I can take right now to help myself start feeling like I have purpose again. This itself is making the struggle that much worse. I feel stuck. I feel useless. I know that the only person that can rectify the issue here is me, but I don’t know what more I need to do.
The worst thing about all this is the knowledge that with working part-time and studying part-time, 2017 is going to hit me like a ton of bricks, and I’m most likely going to crumble under the newfound responsibility. My lazy side is dreading it but I know that it’s the lifestyle I’m craving right now. I can see where I need to be, I just need to figure out how I’m going to make it there by the end of the year. Wish me luck.