Just let me ramble for a minute.
I recently found myself wondering what the hell I’m doing. Between trying to apply for university, book and attend driving lessons and deal with my new internship I’ve realised that for the first time in my life I’m expected to be an adult. And the terrifying truth is that I am nothing of the sort. Filling in my own forms? Making my own appointments? Can you imagine?
When did I make the leap from my mommy packing me sandwiches for school to having a boss? Why is picking up the phone to make an appointment still such a daunting affair? Why am I so scared of participating in life that it leaves me on the verge of tears virtually every time I have to deal with responsibility in any shape or form? Somewhere along the line I was supposed to grow up but it would appear I never got the message.
I addressed my boyfriend about this last night, since he’s a little older than me and I figured he’s further along this road than myself and could probably at least reassure me that I’ll get there in time. Unfortunately, it turns out that as put together as he may seem, he himself still has no idea what he’s doing. And this is what lead me to wonder if we ever really “grow up” at all.
Because then it occurred to me that over the past few months I have been making my own appointments, and it’s been getting easier each and every time. I’ve made decisions about my future and about who I want to be as a person. I’ve accepted that with the good times, come the bad (and that it’s normal for things to not always be sunshine and roses). I’ve learned and accepted so many things about life and about myself and the people around me. That’s surely at least a little bit grown up, isn’t it? Maybe growing up is less about paying bills and more about actually learning from our mistakes. Maybe none of us know what we’re doing, and we’re all just wandering around aimlessly, doing our very best.
Life, it seems, is nothing but a constant learning experience. We’re here to bump our heads and acquire all sorts of bumps and bruises (physical and otherwise), and I think the only way to “be a grown up” is to make sure you’re learning from your experiences. It’s not always going to be easy, and I’m fairly sure most actual adults are still blindly fumbling around in certain situations, but I’ve taken this as a comforting piece of information. I don’t think I’ll ever be a grown up, but I reckon I’ll always be growing up, slowly but surely.
(Still don’t know how to sign off.)